The Baby Names Dictionary
by TeeLee-Sensei
Summary: COMPLETE - "I wish I were dead!" I groaned out loud, throwing my weight into the leather recliner. Mom wasted no time hitting me with her Frying Pan of Doom. How could I say such a thing? Why would I want to die and leave her like Dad so often did? Yak, yak, yak. Also, why haven't Dad, Gohan, and I tried to destroy that stupid pan yet?


**Title:** The Baby Names Dictionary

**summary:** Goten is stuck babysitting his neice in a house without internet or cable! After Pan throws his cell phone into the toilet, he must find a book about plumbing, but comes upon a book far more interesting...and scary.

**Written for:** IrationalFear

**prompt:** My writer's block relief request

* * *

Life isn't fair.

This sucks!

What did I do to deserve this? Is Kami-sama punishing me for something I did in a previous life?

"I wish I were dead!" I groaned out loud, throwing my weight into the leather recliner. Mom wasted no time hitting me with her Frying Pan of Doom. How could I say such a thing? Why would I want to die and leave her like Dad so often did? Yak, yak, yak.

"You seriously expect me to sit here all day without T.V or internet?" I asked, wincing from the large bump on my head. Also, why haven't Dad, Gohan, and I tried to destroy that stupid pan yet?

Gohan smiled. Not in a malicious way, but in a "oh my little brother has teenaged angst" kind of way. Nothing really gets under his skin, I realised. He's always so happy and understanding about everything. Which isn't good. Suppressing one's anger is never good. I mean, he's either going to snap and unleash his anger on me or Dad. Since I'm not off training some kid at the moment, it's probably going to be me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a coward. It's just. . . I know Gohan can kick my ass pretty good. He's done it once.

"We have books," Videl answered, giving me a weird look as if I were stupid not to notice the books covering every inch of the wall downstairs (here) as well as upstairs. Someone ( not me) has watched Beauty and the Beast one too many times and obviously fell in love with the library Beast gave to Belle. In this scenario I have a feeling my brother was Belle. He's always been forced to love books.

After hearing her mom mention books, Pan stampeded out of her bedroom and jumped over the upstairs railing and canonballed into my stomach. I tightened my abs but that didn't stop it from stinging." Kid, If I had been your mom, you would have killed me."

Pan giggled - - apparently death is funny to her - - and thrusted a colorful book in my face."You read, okay?" Pan nodded her head. The serious look in her eyes told me that I had no choice. I was going to read a book to her whether I wanted to or not." Okay?"

"Okay."

I watched everyone's faces- - all smiles. This was an "awww cute" moment- - as pan snuggled next to me in the chair and started naming objects in the book. How could they not see that this was a bad idea? She told me what to do and I listened, wasn't this supposed to be the other way around?

"You're really going to leave me alone. For six hours. With a three-year old. Without internet or cable, only books." I was no longer questioning what was happening, I was slowly wrapping my head around the situation. Also, I thought everyone was supposed to be smarter than me. Was everyone so desperate to get out of the house and away from Pan to see that this was a really bad idea?

Gohan shrugged." You've babysat Bulla before -"

"Yeah, with Trunks." I cut in. Technically, I wasn't babysitting. I was just there to play while Trunks babysat.

"I'll pay you." Gohan sighed, that flash of suppressed anger mixing with his voice.

I could sense Mom's arm tensing as she readied herself to hit me with the Frying Pan of Doom.

It was time to stop whining.

"No you don't have to pay me." I growled, waving at them to go away. It wouldn't be right for me to take my brother's money. Pan is my niece, and babysitting is what uncles had to do from time to time. Besides, I didn't need money when I had Trunks for a best friend." Enjoy your geek convention."

After telling Pan to be good for Uncle Goten, everyone left.

Pan peeked out the window and watched her parents and grandma drive away.

"They're never coming back," I said, taking my anger out on her. I wanted to make her cry like I often saw Bulla do, but Pan wasn't bothered by my comment.

She jumped in my lap then squeezed herself behind my back, forcing herself between me and the chair. Before I could ask her what she was trying to do, she propped her feet against my back and kicked me out of the chair.

I fell on my knees and gaped at the floor. I was dumbfounded.

Pan thought it was hilarious and giggled evilly to herself.

.

.

.

It's amazing how slowly time can drag on without entertainment. I had my phone, but it was something cheap mom had bought me for my fifteenth birthday, and it didn't have internet. Just the basics: unlimited text and talk.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend wasn't in the mood to text or talk with me.

"I have to go," My girlfriend said, stopping me in my rant about Pan." I have, like, stuff to do."

"What kind of stuff?" I asked in a cheerful tone. I was so desperate for a conversation that I didn't care how uncool this made me look to my girlfriend. There was a long pause on her end, then a click that signalled she had hung up.

"Uncle Goten?" Pan called out, jiggling the bathroom doorknob.

Shit. She found me.

"Uncle Go-ten!" Pan called out, more angrily this time. The door was locked and, if I didn't open it soon, I had a feeling she was going to break it down. This would actually work well for me. Gohan wouldn't want me to babysit Pan again if he came home to a destroyed house, but this might also push him over the edge. I also don't want my family to think I'm incapable of taking care of a kid.

I set my phone beside the sink. Took a deep breath. Smiled at my reflection in the mirror, then opened the door to a very angry mini-Videl." You found me. Yay!"

Pan scowled and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I tried to find you kiddo," I stammered, feeling guilty that I hadn't tried to find her at all." I guess I'm not very good at Hide and Seek, am I?"

Pan waited for me to stop laughing before saying," Hungry."

.

.

.

One good thing about having a overcontrolling, doting mother is. . . you don't have to cook your meals. She does it all for you. As I stared at the back of a microwavable meal, with only three steps to follow, I decided I wasn't about to start cooking for myself now.

"Let's order some pizza," I said.

Pan was being unusually quiet to this suggestion.

"Pizza?" I asked, shortening my sentence so she could understand. With Pan, sometimes I felt like I was talking to a foreigner. I glanced down beside my leg, but Pan wasn't there anymore." Where'd you go?"

In answer to that question, I heard the toilet lid being lifted, a loud splash, and an evil giggle. In that moment, my cell phone's life flashed before my eyes.

I rushed into the bathroom and shouted," PAN!"

"What?" Pan asked after dropping a handful of Videl's jewelery into the toilet.

"No!" I screamed, snatching Pan's wrist and slapping the top of her hand." Bad! You don't do that!"

Pan glared at me, then started cussing in some unknown language that she either made up, or learned from one of her Dad's advanced language tapes. I clenched my fists, wanting so badly to beat up my niece, but I had more important things to do first - - like saving my cell phone!

Pan peeked over the toilet seat and watched with fascination as I stuck my arm into the toilet bowl to retrieve my phone. I quickly placed it by the sink, told Pan not to touch it ( she nodded), and went into the hallway to grab a hand towel to dry my phone with. I should've known better than to leave Pan alone with a toilet clogged with her mom's jewelery.

"Uh-oh," Pan gasped after flushing the toilet." Broken!" She ran out of the bathroom, tugged on my shirt, then pointed back towards the bathroom, shouting." Water, water! Uh-oh!"

"Great," I sighed.

.

.

.

I didn't know the first thing about unclogging a toilet.

Flushing it repeatedly wasn't helping, it only made things worse. After three flushes water had leaked out of the toilet and spilled over the floor, dampening some of the carpet in the hallway.

"Why hasn't the jewelery flooded out with the water?" I asked.

Pan shrugged.

Gohan grew up in the same house as I did, with the same mother. He didn't always know how to unclog a toilet, so he must've learned it from one of the books he kept in his big library-living room.

"Come on, Pan. Help me find a book about toilets."

Pan's eyes brightened at the word 'book' and ran ahead of me to the library-living room.

.

.

.

As I watched Pan make a mess by pulling all the books out from the bottom shelf, I realised she wasn't the little genius her parents bragged her to be. I told her to help me find a book about toilets, not show me a picture from every book that had pictures.

"Look," Pan said, showing me a picture of a goldfish." Scary."

"You're afraid of fish?" I asked.

Pan nodded." Yeah. Scary."

"I guess they can be scary. . ." I said while scratching the back of my head.

"Huh?" Pan asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Scary," I said, annoyed that I had to repeat myself.

"Oh." Pan nodded, walking back to her end of the room and throwing the book among the pile of other books she pulled out. I waited for her to bring me another book to look at, but she seemed content looking at pictures of one children's book by herself.

Without her to distract me, I skimmed across the titles, looking for something about plumbing, when I came across a book that caught my eye.

"The Baby Names Dictionary," I read out loud, pulling the book from the shelf at my eye level. It was a thick book! Thicker than all four Twilight books combined! I opened the book to the introductory page." Choosing a name for your baby has never been easier." - - I scoffed. How was reading this one thousand page book considered to be easy? There wasn't any pictures! - -" For each name there is a short description of the meaning, origin, and gender best suited for the name. Remember, choosing a name for you baby is an important decision, and must be done wisely. He or She will one day grow up to _become_ their name."

Become their name, what's that supposed to mean?

My name, Goten, is a combination of "5" and "10," does that mean someday I will look like those numbers?

Before I could dismiss the book as some type of hoax to get people to buy it, I suddenly realised that I embodied my name from the first day I was born. I was born in the fifth month on the tenth day! I was a _Goten_ from the very beginning!

"Whoa." I gasped, wishing my phone was dry so I could call Trunks and tell him what I just discovered. I flipped through the pages, scanning the T's for Trunks' name. We had looked up his name in a regular dictionary before, but The Baby Names Dictionary didn't mention an elephant part or men's underwear." Trunks. Originated from West City. Meaning strong branch of the family; a supporter."

That's exactly who Trunks is! He supports me all the time. I can always count on him to give me money or help me get back together with my girlfriend! This book is amazing!

I completely forgot about the clogged toilet and took the dictionary with me to the nearest chair. I continued to look up other people's names:

_Chichi: Energy of the father. boy's name._

" This is amazing! Mom has been a father figure in mine and Gohan's life for years! She became her name too!"

_Gohan: The fifth scholar; wise one._

"Huh. I wonder if this means Grandpa Gohan was actually Gohan the Fourth?"

_Videl: Short life._

"That's creepy. I hope this is just referring to her height." I yawned." Okay, I'll look up one more name, then I should fix the toilet and get Pan ready for a nap." Once she's asleep, that means I'd be able to get some sleep, too.

_Pan: Frying Pan of Doom._

I chuckled." Wow, I must be tired. For a second I thought Pan's name meant Frying Pan of Doom." I re read Pan's meaning.

_Pan: Frying Pan of Doom._

My eyes widened." Is...is this possible?" I glanced at Pan, whom was still looking at pictures of various books surrounding her. Suddenly, everything made sense. Her evilness, the way she enjoys making my life miserable, her uncanny ability to beat me up. . . my niece was the reincarnation of mom's favorite weapon of choice!

My heartbeat quickened as I realised I was alone with something evil.

.

.

.

Trunks laughed after I told him the meaning of Pan's name, and how scared I was.

I apologized to the other people at the diner on behalf of my loud,annoying friend.

"Shut up. It's not funny," I whined, using my straw to slurp what was left of my strawberry milkshake.

"Okay, sorry," Trunks laughed, his cheeks rosy as if he were drunk. He was drinking a chocolate milkshake, so I knew he wasn't. My misery was that funny to him." So what happened when Videl and Gohan came home?"

"Of course Gohan wasn't mad about the clogged toilet, and neither was Videl." I shrugged." They've gotta be the strangest couple on the planet. Nothing bothers them! Not even the fact that their daughter is the human form of Mom's frying pan!"

Trunks started laughing again.

" I thought you were my best friend," I muttered, not appreciating feeling mocked.

"I am your best friend," Trunks managed to say through his laughter." Do you seriously believe that Pan is the reincarnation of a frying pan?"

"Yes," I answered." Uub is the reincarnation of that evil pink blob, so why can't Pan be a frying pan?" I lowered my voice, suddenly realising that people in nearby booths were staring at me as if I were the weirdo, not Trunks." I looked at the cover to find out if maybe my mom was the one who wrote the book, but it wasn't her. The author was Baba the Fortuneteller!"

Trunks suddenly became serious," Goten, calm down. Baba probably gave that book to them as a gag gift at Videl's baby shower. You shouldn't take it seriously."

"This isn't a joke, Trunks! Pan is the evil Frying Pan of Doom! We need to do something about this, like, I don't know. . . make a wish on the dragonballs to rid Pan of her powers so she can never hurt anyone!"

Trunks sighed." Goten, Pan isn't the reincarnation of the Frying Pan of Doom. In fact, Pan's real name is Panties. Gohan let me name her the day she was born, so stop freaking out."

I couldn't decide what was worse, looking like an idiot in front of my best friend or finding out he named my niece after women's underwear.

"Are you okay?" Trunks asked after ten minutes of silence and me staring at him.

"_Panties_ may not be the Frying Pan of Doom," I said in a solemn voice." But somewhere in this world there's a person named Pan who is."

On that cryptic note, we finished our milkshakes in silence, our minds troubled by this revelation. Was this a hoax, or was Baba trying to warn us about a deadly new foe? I new with certainty that The Frying Pan of Doom's reincarnation would be the most difficult advisory we ever had to face!

To keep myself from finding out unwanted truths, i decided to never read another book again.

**- END -**


End file.
